Of course, my assessment may seem a bit unfair considering that I’ve only seen one of Malick’s feature films. Not that I have many to choose from, mind you. In over 40 years in the filmmaking business, the number of feature-length Terrence Malick movies add up to a paltry five. A sixth is supposed to be scheduled for 2012. I’ll believe it when I see it.

But unlike most film directors, Malick has other ways of occupying his time. Before he started making motion pictures, he got his degree in philosophy from Harvard, studied at Oxford, taught at MIT, and wrote articles for The New Yorker and Newsweek. Then he made two feature films and disappeared from sight for 20 years.

The culprit behind all those dreadful Terrence Malick movies.

Despite his low output, a large segment of the critical community has lined up to kiss his ass at every turn. Maybe his reclusive nature reminds them of a cinematic J.D. Salinger, or maybe they’re just blinded by the starpower he’s able to assemble for his productions. Whatever the case, Terrence Malick movies routinely receive positive ink despite plodding narratives akin to paint drying.

But, again, I remind you that I’ve only seen one of his films. However, if that motion picture is any indication of his talent and vision, the number will remain at one.

For those of you who’ve yet to be put off by Malick’s films and/or general lack of directorial motivation, I offer up this brief synopsis of his works. I hope you find them more interesting than I did.

Badlands (1973) – While I hated the one Terrence Malick movie that I’ve viewed, I do plan on seeing his critically-acclaimed feature debut at some point. Set up like a violently modern fairy-tale, it stars Martin Sheen and Sissy Spacek as a pair of young lovers who head across the American landscape and rack up a body count. I’m a sucker for anything with Warren Oates, so color me intrigued.

Days of Heaven (1978) – This depressing drama is set in the Texas Panhandle back in 1916, and it concerns the trouble that arises when a poor couple (Richard Gere and Brooke Adams) try to take financial advantage of a wealthy farmer (Sam Shepard). According to what I’ve read, it’s filled with symbolism and considered one of the landmark films of the 1970s. But despite my admiration for Shepard, it’s not something I plan to watch anytime soon.

Many of the characters trapped in Terrence Malick movies turn to the Japanese for sweet release.

The Thin Red Line (1998) – How do you screw up a WWII movie featuring Sean Penn, George Clooney, Adrien Brody, Jim Caviezel, Nick Nolte, John Travolta, Woody Harrelson, and John Cusack? Go ask Terrence Malick. The film runs almost three hours, the Japanese were never as compelling as the Nazis, and it has a habit of launching into another scene just when you think the credits are about to roll. Sure, it’s trying to say a lot of important things about the nature of man and the futility of war, but it puts you to sleep before the message can be received. Predictably, the critics couldn’t stop gushing (with Gene Siskel having the audacity to say it was better than Platoon and Saving Private Ryan).

The New World (2005) – The story of Captain John Smith (Colin Farrell) and Pocahontas (Q’orianka Kilcher), Malick’s historical romance co-stars Christian Bale, Christopher Plummer, and Wes Studi. While I consider Farrell a highly underrated actor, I don’t know if that’s enough to earn it a spot in my Netflix queue. Still, I might have to reconsider after seeing all the praise heaped on it by critics, especially those who refer to it as a 2 ½ hour poem (of course, many of these critics are the same ones who suggested seeing The Thin Red Line).

The Tree of Life (2011) – I oversee another site that provides movie reviews, and one of our critics excitedly requested an opportunity to see the latest Terrence Malick movie. If his review is any indication, potential viewers may receive more joy from sticking various items into a microwave and watching them melt. Brad Pitt and Sean Penn headline the picture, but it received a number of boos when screened at Cannes (although that didn’t stop it from winning the top prize). This one is reserved for the especially pretentious.

When he’s not waxing philosophic or planning his next 15-year movie project, Terrence Malick stays out of the public eye with a vengeance. In fact, his contract restricts the studio’s marketing department from using his image to promote his films. If I had directed The Thin Red Line, I wouldn’t want to show my face in public, either.

George Lucas movies have made the bearded geek a billionaire in spite of himself. While he’s turned out some of the most iconic films in motion picture history, he’s also proven himself to be maddeningly inconsistent. The same guy who wrote the scripts for Star Wars and Indiana Jones also managed to beat us to death with clichés in the second Star Wars trilogy (actually the first trilogy, if you’re a stickler for chronology). But the money keeps rolling in, and lovesick fanboys will line up for a mouthful of whatever horse manure Lucas happens to be shoveling at the time. Oh well, at least he’s not a douche like James Cameron or Michael Bay.

As a producer, Lucas has been just as successful. While he does have Howard the Duck on his resume, he’s more than made up for that by overseeing films such as Body Heat, Willow, and the entire Indiana Jones franchise. Some guys have all the luck (copyright, Rod Stewart’s hair), and Lucas is the luckiest bastard since Arthur Miller nailed Marilyn Monroe.

George Lucas the director has cranked out six films over a 34-year career, while the rest of his time has been devoted to producing, writing, fiddling with technology, and coming up with new methods for selling the same thing 50 different ways. He’s a man on a mission, and that mission long ago ceased to be about providing quality entertainment. To quote Puff Daddy, “It’s all about the Benjamins.”

George Lucas Movies I’ve Seen

I saw the following George Lucas film and enjoyed it:

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) – While Lucas is far from being the most talented guy in Hollywood, he was smart enough to do three things when making Star Wars.

1. He cast Harrison Ford as charismatic space rogue Han Solo.
2. He created Darth Vader.
3. He ripped off the basic plot of Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress, as well as drawing the inspiration for R2D2 and C3PO from a pair of bumblers in that same film.

After those three strokes of genius, everything else fell into place. As a kid, I saw Star Wars at the theatre and was blown away by all the cool spaceships, alien lifeforms, and action-packed scenes. It still holds up surprisingly well after all these years, although I wanted to hang myself for being dumb enough to sit through the reworked version in 1997. Lucas claimed that technology had finally caught up to his original vision, but the puppet Jabba in Return of the Jedi blew the new CGI version straight out of the water. And don’t even get me started on the decision to have Greedo shoot first (which is right there with Spielberg changing the guns to walkie-talkies during the release of E.T.).

But those gripes are about the money-grubbing version of Star Wars. The original wasn’t guaranteed any sequels or millions of dollars in toy revenue, so it relied on solid storytelling and an interesting cast of characters. Too bad that the second trilogy entirely lost sight of this.

George Lucas Films I Haven’t Seen

I haven’t seen these George Lucas projects, so I have no way of knowing if I would enjoy them or not. They don’t include Jar Jar Binks, though, so I’m guessing that they might be okay.

THX 1138 (1971) – The film stars Robert Duvall in a dystopian future. It also has Donald Pleasence as part of the supporting cast. Despite my dislike for certain George Lucas projects, I have no clear explanation for why I haven’t seen this one, especially considering my love for all things Duvall.

American Graffiti (1973) – Baby boomers cruise in hot rods and come of age, and Harrison Ford first made a name for himself as an actor. The fine cast includes Ron Howard, Bo Hopkins, Richard Dreyfuss, and Cindy Williams, but the notion of ‘60s teenage romance isn’t exactly my cup of tea. While I wouldn’t refuse to watch it, I’ve somehow managed to unconsciously avoid it for over 35 years. Sorry, Opie.

George Lucas Movies I’ve Seen (But Wish I Hadn’t)

I saw these George Lucas directorial efforts, and my rectum is still bleeding from the experience:

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) – We’re supposed to see how Darth Vader grows into the coolest villain in movie history, but this film depicts Anakin Skywalker as nothing more than a precocious kid who likes to drive really fast. Natalie Portman shows off the hotness that is to come in the role in Queen Amidala, and Darth Maul (Ray Park) delivers the best scene in the film when he takes on scowling Jedi warrior Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). Racial stereotypes popped up all over the place, and Jar Jar Binks made me want to claw my eyes out.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002) – Boba Fett was in this one, but he was a little kid, too. We do get to see his predecessor, Jango Fett, kick a little ass, but he’s unceremoniously dispatched by an overacting Samuel L. Jackson during the film’s climax. Hayden Christensen takes over the role of Anakin Skywalker, but he turns out to be as wooden as a lumberyard (Lucas‘s script doesn‘t help). Despite their ability to deflect laser blasts with their lightsabers, the Jedi knights–especially their ruling council–come off like a bunch of fools.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005) – A step back from the previous film, Revenge of the Sith proves once and for all that Jedi warriors aren’t too bright, and Lucas’s screenwriting ability hits an all-time low. Anakin is supposed to turn evil, but he often seems to be having a violent tempter tantrum. And the showdown between he and Obi-Wan proves something that I’ve long suspected: When someone has the high ground, they’re impossible to defeat. A train wreck from start to finish, it pulled in almost $850 million at the box office and allowed Lucas a good, long laugh at the expense of anyone dumb enough to buy a ticket (myself included).

Anyone wanting to see American cinema at its best and worst should study George Lucas movies carefully. His feature films have slowly degraded in quality, but his box office revenue continues to jump off the charts thanks to re-releases, marketing, and the tendency of Star Wars fans to watch any piece of crap that’s part of the official canon. For that matter, the last statement could also apply to those enamored with the Indiana Jones franchise, as The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was an abomination that the guys from South Park perfectly skewered with scenes of Lucas and Spielberg raping everyone’s favorite archeologist.

And you’d better get ready for all the Stars Wars films to be re-released in 3D. This is slated to begin in 2012, with the entire series coming out in numerical order. Hey, George, how about that long-awaited American Graffiti 3D release?

Even though I’m older than I would care to admit, I still enjoy popping in a video game on occasion and mowing down alien invaders or reliving the various engagements of WWII. It’s a great way to blow off steam without going on a real-life killing spree, and the worst possible outcome is the realization that my reflexes aren’t what they used to be. In short: it’s good, harmless fun.

Then someone went and got the bright idea to makes movies based on video games. This started in earnest in the 1980s, and it has slowly gained momentum over the years. In fact, when most people think of big-screen game adaptations, there’s one name that comes to mind…

Yes, Uwe Boll. He’s the German director responsible for a whole string of critically-maligned video game adaptations, even though he manages to acquire respectable budgets and better-than-expected casts. If it weren’t for Dr. Boll (yes, he has a doctorate in literature), the modern video game movie might not exist. Then again, it might rival the superhero genre for popularity. Only the cinematic gods know for sure, and Boll has probably already flipped them off or pummeled them during a boxing match.

I do not guarantee the quality of these 10 movies based on video games. Some are surprisingly good, while others can be tolerated only if you’re drunk, stupid, or a fan of Michael Bay. Now that I think about it, those first two factors may be a requirement for the third.

• Street Fighter (1994) – No, not the gritty action romp with Sonny Chiba. I’m talking about the adaptation of the long-running Capcom arcade classic, in which martial arts badasses from around the globe bludgeon each other senseless while always moving sideways. Jean-Claude Van Damme heads up the cast as Guile, an American character in the game who’s suddenly blessed with a thick Belgian accent. He teams up with the likes of Cammy (Kylie Minogue) and Chun-Li (Ming-Na) to face the evil and totally fictional nation of Shadaloo, which is led by none other than M. Bison (Raul Julia). That’s right, I said Raul Julia, the late Puerto-Rican actor who brought smiles to your face in such films as The Addams Family and Moon over Parador. With a soundtrack that includes Hammer (with Deion Sanders, no less), Nas, Ice Cube, and Public Enemy, not to mention two fighters squaring off in an ode to Godzilla movies, this is one train wreck worth catching.
• Resident Evil (2002) – The Capcom series this zombie/action flick was based on always drove me nuts, as it seemed more concerned with making players combine herbs and find multiple pieces of machinery than blowing holes though the skulls of the undead. This adaptation scrapped the maddening puzzle aspect, though, allowing the yummy Milla Jovovich to kick some zombie ass while recovering from amnesia like only a movie character can. Trapped in an underground stronghold of the Umbrella Corporation, Alice (Jovovich) and her fellow survivors (including Michelle Rodriguez, scowling as always) must hack and shoot their way to freedom and a cliffhanger ending that begs for a sequel. Alice would get her sequel, by the way, and the Paul W.S. Anderson franchise is still alive and well as of this writing.
• Postal (2007) – This is the first Uwe Boll video game adaptation on the list, and you’ll be sick of hearing his name by the time this article is through. After buying the film rights to the popular 1990’s computer game about a guy (known as the Postal Dude) who goes on a gun-toting rampage, Boll set out to raise the bar for irreverence. He succeeded by a wide margin, showing Dave Foley’s penis, including lots of big-breasted women in bikinis, having a small army of children get gunned down in a firefight, subjecting Verne Troyer to rape at the hands of one-thousand monkeys, and detailing the secret alliance between George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden. Boll even makes a cameo as himself, dressed in lederhosen and telling Nazi jokes.

• Silent Hill (2006) – Adapted from the Konami franchise of survival horror games, Silent Hill follows a frantic mother (Radha Mitchell) as she searches for her missing daughter in an abandoned town blanketed by falling ash and filled with nightmarish creatures. Sean Bean co-stars as the father who’s always one step behind, and Laurie Holden looks amazing in tight-fitting police attire. Cinematographer Dan Laustsen deserves praise for the film’s unique visual presence, and those who enjoy style over substance will be beside themselves.
• BloodRayne (2005) – Uwe Boll returns, this time bringing us an adaptation of a video game about a Dhampir (half-human and half-vampire) named Rayne (Kristanna Loken) who opposes the efforts of her vampiric father (Ben Kingsley) to destroy the human race. While the cast is notable, many of the actors are completely out of place in the fantasy setting (Michelle Rodriguez, Meat Loaf, Billy Zane), and co-star Michael Madsen seems especially listless in his role as a super-competent vampire slayer with a medieval mullet. There are, however, lots of shots of Loken’s muscular body, a number of sexual romps, and the scene with Meat Loaf includes a whole host of hotties (all of whom are actual Romanian prostitutes).

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• Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – Angelina Jolie padded her boobs to play Lara Croft, the British explorer who was the subject of numerous geeky wet dreams during the franchise’s heyday in the ‘90s. Not only does she have to combat the Illuminati and a fellow tomb raider who’s motivated by profit (Daniel Craig), but Lara also gets the chance to chat with her deceased father–played by her real-life father Jon Voight–and fight her own personal robotic training partner. So that’s what it’s like to be British and busty. A sequel would follow, no thanks to those nitpicky critics.
• Mortal Combat (1995) – Prior to adapting the Resident Evil franchise, director Paul W.S. Anderson honed his skills at the helm of this martial arts film about a legendary fighting tournament with the fate of the world in the balance. Familiar faces include Robin Shou, Bridgette Wilson, Talisa Soto, Linden Ashby, and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. But nobody can hold a candle to Christopher Lambert and his crazy-ass accent as Raiden, the film’s resident god of thunder. Between his massive hat, white hair, and tendency to crack himself up, Raiden is one of the more memorable–if admittedly silly–video game adaptations.

• House of the Dead (2003) – The third Uwe Boll video game adaptation on this list, but it’s not the last. The original game hit arcades in the mid-1990s, and it allowed players to use a light gun to blast the undead while depleting their college fund one quarter at a time. There’s plenty of undead killing in this version, too, and Das Boot actor Jurgen Prochnow is thrown in as an added bonus. A group of kids head to an island to attend a rave, but they find boatloads of zombies instead. There is a cool showdown scene in which a number of our heroes are dispatched in the spirit of the original game, and Ron Howard’s cooler brother, Clint, makes an appearance dressed like the killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer. It’s a mess, to be sure, but those under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or too much damned TV probably won’t care. Clint Howard, folks!
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) – Uwe Boll strikes again! This time he’s taking on the popular computer role-playing game which sent a heroic farmer on a quest to save the ailing kingdom of Ehb from a vile race known as the Krug. In the film version, the farmer (cleverly referred to as Farmer) is played by Jason Statham, but even his talents as an action hero can’t salvage this clunker. The budget was reported as $60 million, and I can only imagine that the bulk of it was spent on a cast that includes Statham, Burt Reynolds, Leelee Sobieski, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Matthew Lillard, Ray Liotta, and Kristanna Loken. An impressive cast to be certain, but the rest of the film is complete crap. The Krug are hapless and decidedly uncool villains, Burt Reynolds makes for an unconvincing ruler, and Matthew Lillard seems to be jacked up on PCP throughout. At least we get to see Ray Liotta take part in a sorcerer’s duel, something Scorsese didn’t have the balls to do in Goodfellas.
• Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) – Strangely, buffed-up Jake Gyllenhaal jumps around a whole lot less than his video game counterpart, Prince Dastan. And don’t worry if you’ve never played the games, as this Disney flick pretty much chucks the long-running storyline right out the window. Dastan is an orphan who was adopted by the king, but his adopted father’s death leaves him framed as the assassin. Now on the run with a smoking hot princess (Gemma Arterton), he must find the real killer with the help of a magical dagger which allows limited control over time. There’s plenty of I-want-to-bang-you-but-I-won’t-admit-it banter between the two leads, and no video game adaptation is complete without an ostrich race. What a shame that Oscar winner and co-star Ben Kingsley couldn’t have gotten in on that action. Despite mixed reviews and box-office totals which fell short of projections, Prince of Persia still ranks as the highest-grossing movie based on a video game (at least as of this writing).

Admittedly, most movies based on video games aren’t worth the price of admission. The effects are hokey, the acting is embarrassing, and the overall product is right up there with finding a human toe mixed in with your nachos. Still, if it’s crunchy and covered with cheese, you might find it tastier than expected.

The world of mixed martial arts continues to grow in popularity, and a number of stars from the UFC, Pride, and other organizations have been featured at theatres and on straight-to-DVD releases. This list serves as a guide to some of these films, although I have to warn you in advance that many of these movies are far from instant classics. They do, however, feature brawny guys in one capacity or another, so anyone looking for movies starring MMA fighters won’t be entirely disappointed.

All of these titles can be found at Netflix, the leader in online movie rentals. It’s only a matter of time before some MMA star becomes a major action hero, and you can bet that Netflix will be there to offer all their movies to subscribers.

Now let’s get it on….

• Pandorum (2009) – A convoluted film about two spaceship officers (Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster) who wake from suspended animation and find their memories gone. As the search for answers begins, they learn that they’re on a ship carrying 60,000 sleeping passengers, and some sort of creatures stalk the darkened corridors of the Elysium and feed on human flesh. Other survivors who get involved in the action include a hot warrior woman (Antje Traue) and a Vietnamese man (MMA star Cung Le) who’s surprisingly adept at killing cannibalistic horrors.

• The Expendables (2010) – Sylvester Stallone directs and stars in this bit of nostalgia featuring action heroes and tough guys from the last several decades. After being hired to overthrow a Latin American dictator, a band of mercenaries start to wonder if they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. Tons of familiar faces are present, especially if you’re a fan of action movies. The cast includes Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy “The Natural” Couture, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Gary Daniels, Steve Austin, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Amazingly, Jean-Claude Van Damme and his ego refused a part in the film, as did Steven Seagal.
• We Own the Night (2007) – Oleg Taktarov made a big splash in the early days of the UFC. Now he shows up in movies, such as this film starring Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg as a pair of brothers (the former a nightclub manager and the latter a cop) caught up in the search for a dangerous Russian mobster. Robert Duvall and Eva Mendes round out the cast, and the film provides a few decent thespian moments between shouting matches and shootouts. By the way, be sure to say hello to your mother for Mark Wahlberg.
• Never Surrender (2009) – Billed as “the world’s top MMA fighters in their first feature film,” Never Surrender is an uneven film about a mixed martial arts champ (Hector Echavarria) who finds himself drawn into the dangerous and sometimes lethal world of underground cage fighting. But the women are hot, and the appearance of fighters such as Quinton Jackson, Anderson Silva, B.J. Penn, Heath Herring, and Georges St. Pierre should keep MMA fans satisfied.
• The Midnight Meat Train (2008) – Before they appeared together in The A-Team, Bradley Cooper and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson both worked on this horror movie based on the short story from Clive Barker. Cooper stars as a photographer looking to capture the gritty realism of the city, and this brings him into contact with Mahogany (Vinnie Jones), a maniac who slaughters late-night passengers on the subway for mysterious reasons only revealed in the film’s final act. Jackson has a much smaller part, playing a tough guy who engages Mahogany in a memorable knock-down, drag-out fight on a subway car. Brooke Shields co-stars as an art gallery owner, while Leslie Bibb looks gorgeous as the doomed girlfriend. Japanese director Ryuhei Kitamura does an outstanding job, quickly making The Midnight Meat Train one of the best movies starring MMA fighters.

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• The A-Team (2010) – An American Special Forces team stationed in Iraq is court-martialed and imprisoned for a crime they didn’t commit. They escape, of course, and go looking for those responsible. Based on the popular TV show from the 1980s, The A-Team is the typical Hollywood production that’s long on explosions but short on real excitement. Liam Neeson stars as Hannibal Smith, the role popularized by the late George Peppard. Other members of the team include pilot “Howling Mad” Murdock (Sharlto Copley), resident heartthrob Templeton “Faceman” Peck (Bradley Cooper), and total badass “B.A.” Baracus (MMA fighter Quinton “Rampage” Jackson). Cooper is the best of the bunch, especially in his opening scene where he responds to torture and the possibility of being burned alive with a litany of smartass remarks. Jessica Biel and Patrick Wilson round out the cast.
• Godzilla: Final Wars (2004) – The 28th film in the Godzilla series, Godzilla: Final Wars marked the 50th anniversary of the franchise and included many actors and monsters seen in previous installments. Godzilla has been buried under the ice of Antarctica for decades, but the appearance of numerous monsters leads the Earth Defense Force to thaw him out in a desperate bid for survival. From that point on, Godzilla kicks all kinds of ass, letting out a roar that would make the members of Blue Oyster Cult (minus Gene Frenkle) nod in approval. Amidst all the Asian faces is MMA legend Don Frye, making his film debut as the heroic Captain Douglas Gordon. Sadly, his bitchin’ moustache doesn’t receive its own screen credit.

• The Longest Yard (2005) – After he’s sent to prison, former NFL quarterback Paul Crewe (Adam Sandler) must try to survive with everyone from the cons to the guards out to get him. But things get even worse when the sadistic warden (James Cromwell) taps Crewe to put together a football team filled with inmates to take on the guard’s semi-pro squad. Bob Sapp is the only MMA competitor to show up in the comedy, but plenty of other athletes are present (including everyone from Michael Irvin to “Stone Cold” Steve Austin). It’s fun watching the ensemble cast at work, although the original Burt Reynolds’ version remains the superior option.
• Big Stan (2007) – Rob Schneider makes his directorial debut (and stars) in this straight-to-DVD release about Stan Minton, a con artist who’s sentenced to prison for fraud. Terrified of being raped, he dedicates himself to the study of martial arts before his incarceration, eventually hiring a chain-smoking sensei known only as “The Master” (David Carradine). His practice pays off, and soon Stan is beating the crap out of every con in the yard. As he slowly brings the unruly prison population under control, he runs afoul of the warden (Scott Wilson) and his scheme to have the prison closed down. The usual nonsense you’d expect from Schneider, but it does feature a number of MMA fighters, including Bob Sapp, Don Frye, and Randy Couture (all playing inmates).
• Drillbit Taylor (2008) – The last film John Hughes wrote before his death, Drillbit Taylor concerns a group of high school freshmen who decide to hire a bodyguard to keep bullies at bay. They select Drillbit Taylor (Owen Wilson), a man who claims to be a martial arts expert. In reality, however, he’s a homeless man who eats out of a dumpster. Leslie Mann co-stars as the love interest, and UFC icon Chuck Liddell makes a cameo as himself.

The next time you find yourself thinking “I wonder if Randy Couture can act?”, be sure to check out these movies starring MMA fighters. While none of Dana White’s guys are going to be nominated for an Oscar anytime soon, the continuing popularity of the sport means that an increased number of athletes will get the chance to trade in their mouthpieces for Hollywood drivel.

All the films listed above can be found at Netflix, and their multiple subscription plans make them an excellent option for all kinds of household budgets. We do get a small commission if you sign up, but any profits we receive go right back into the site.

In love with movies from an early age and idolizing Steven Spielberg, Shyamalan had made 45 home movies by the time he was 17. While his father wanted him to become a doctor, Shyamalan attended NYU’s Tisch School of Arts, making his first feature while still a student there. But the third time was a charm, as he broke box office records with The Sixth Sense and had people talking at water coolers around the globe. His career since then has been somewhat bumpy, with a few well-received movies sprinkled amidst critical and financial disasters.

If you’d like to enjoy the works of M. Night Shyamalan in the comfort of your own home, be sure to become a member of Netflix. You can rent on DVD or Blu-ray, or take advantage of their streaming option. They also have a number of subscription plans, allowing almost anyone to find one that fits their budget.

• Praying with Anger (1992) – While it only played at one theatre for one week, Praying with Anger still marked the feature film debut of M. Night Shyamalan. He wrote, directed, and starred in the film as an Indian American who returns to his native country as part of a college exchange program. Western and Indian cultures clash, leading to violence and intolerance.
• Wide Awake (1998) – Made in 1995 and released in 1998, this comedy-drama stars Joseph Cross as a 10-year-old kid who sets off on a search for God after the death of his grandfather (Robert Loggia). Rosie O’Donnell plays a nun with a passion for baseball. With such brilliant ideas as that last one, it’s no wonder the film only made $282,000 against a budget of $6 million.
• The Sixth Sense (1999) – The king of all M. Night Shyamalan movies, The Sixth Sense stars Haley Joel Osment as a troubled kid who can communicate with dead people. His poor mother (Toni Collette) thinks he’s out of his mind, but he slowly gains confidence thanks to the efforts of an equally troubled child psychologist played by Bruce Willis. The twist ending generated a major buzz, and it ended up making almost $675 million against a budget of $40 million. This would ensure plenty of artistic control for Shymalan in his coming films, not to mention an endless array of twist endings.
• Unbreakable (2000) – One year after the success of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis reunited with Shyamalan for his inventive tale of a security guard who’s the only survivor of a massive train crash. Walking away without a scratch, he soon encounters a mysterious known as Mr. Glass (Samuel L. Jackson) and begins to realize that he’s capable of more than the average person. A small-scale superhero movie that should delight fanboys. The ending, however, left me somewhat disappointed.
• Signs (2002) – Mel Gibson stars as a former priest who must fend off invading aliens along with his younger brother (Joaquin Phoenix) and two small children (Abigail Breslin and Rory Culkin). A major success at the box office, largely due to the waning starpower of Mel Gibson (prior to his total career meltdown). It’s an entertaining enough romp, although the requisite alien weakness is predictably silly. Don’t the aliens ever scout out these kind of things?

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• The Village (2004) – Set in the 19th century, The Village revolves around an isolated Pennsylvania community that’s formed an uneasy truce with the monsters who inhabit the surrounding woods. But the peace is disturbed when a local youth (Joaquin Phoenix) becomes obsessed with disobeying the village elders and journeying beyond the boundaries. This all culminates with a twist ending, one which managed to piss off a large segment of viewers. Despite that fact, it still ended up being a big hit at the box office, although disgruntled fans would pay Shyamalan back with his next film.

• Lady in the Water (2006) – Bryce Dallas Howard (Ron’s daughter) fails to impress in either the acting or looks category, and poor Paul Giamatti plays the Philly maintenance man who fishes her out of the local swimming pool. He and the residents come to realize that her origins are supernatural, and she’s being pursued by something far more dangerous. A disaster from start to finish, it flopped at the box office and drew nothing but scorn from critics grown weary of Shyamalan’s one-note storytelling (the presence of an arrogant and ultimately doomed film critic in the movie probably didn’t help). Move this to the bottom of your “M. Night Shyamalan movies to see” list.
• The Happening (2008) – The first R-rated film from Shyamalan, The Happening stars Marky Mark Wahlberg as a science teacher trying to flee the East Coast while a mysterious neurotoxin causes anyone who comes in contact with it to commit suicide. The cause behind the disaster is all kinds of goofy, and the overall premise has been explored with more verve in countless disaster and zombie movies. That being said, it’s still worst a rental if you approach it as nothing more than a dimwitted B-movie.
• The Last Airbender (2010) – Based on the first season of the animated TV show, Avatar: The Last Airbender, this 3D snoozefest was the first film in a hoped-for franchise about a young boy prophesized to unite the warring elemental clans and establish harmony. The lame script and poor 3D effects were at the center of the problem, but at least the diverse casting gave a number of ethnic actors a chance to shine in a big-budget Hollywood film. Nominated for nine Razzie Awards.

That wraps up our look at M. Night Shyamalan movies. If you’d like to see what all the fuss is about, become a member of Netflix and have them delivered right to your door. We do get a small commission if you sign up via our site, but that money goes right back into the costs of operation for Only Good Movies.

And now for this article’s twist ending…

I’m actually a ghost writing this from beyond the grave. Gotcha!

My picks are highlighted in bold. Make your own 2011 Razzie nomination predictions in the comments section at the bottom of the article.

Worst Picture

• The Bounty Hunter
• The Last Airbender
• Sex and the City 2
• Twilight Saga: Eclipse
• Vampires Suck

Worst Actor

• Jack Black, Gulliver’s Travels
• Gerard Butler, The Bounty Hunter
• Ashton Kutcher, Killers and Valentine’s Day
• Taylor Lautner, Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Valentine’s Day
• Robert Pattinson, Remember Me and Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Worst Actress

• Jennifer Aniston, The Bounty Hunter and The Switch
• Miley Cyrus, The Last Song
• The Four Gal Pals, Sex and the City 2
• Megan Fox, Jonah Hex
• Kristen Stewart, Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Worst Supporting Actor

• Billy Ray Cyrus, The Last Song
• George Lopez, Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door and Valentine’s Day
• Dev Patel, The Last Airbender
• Jackson Rathbone, The Last Airbender and Twilight Saga: Eclipse
• Rob Schneider, Grown Ups

Worst Supporting Actress

• Jessica Alba, The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine’s Day
• Cher, Burlesque
• Liza Minnelli, Sex and the City 2
• Nicola Peltz, The Last Airbender
• Barbra Streisand, Little Fockers

Worst Eye-Gouging Mis-Use of 3-D

• Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
• Clash of the Titans
• The Last Airbender
• Nutcracker 3-D
• Saw 3-D

Worst Screen Couple/Ensemble

• Jennifer Aniston & Gerard Butler, The Bounty Hunter
• Josh Brolin’s Face & Megan Fox’s Accent, Jonah Hex
• The Entire Cast, The Last Airbender
• The Entire Cast, Sex and the City 2
• The Entire Cast, Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Worst Director

• The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone
• The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan
• Sex and the City 2, Michael Patrick King
• Vampires Suck, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Worst Screenplay

• The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan
• Little Fockers, Michael Hamburg & Larry Stuckey
• Sex and the City 2, Michael Patrick King
• Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Melissa Rosenberg
• Vampires Suck, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

• Clash of the Titans
• The Last Airbender
• Sex and the City 2
• Twilight Saga: Eclipse
• Vampires Suck

Some celebrities, like Michael Bay, sneer at the proceedings. But some stars demonstrate their sense of humor by showing up to accept their award. Last year, Sandra Bullock delivered an impassioned and comedic defense of her role in All About Steve, and the following night she became the first performer to capture both a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year. Who will show up this year to plead their case? Stay tuned to find out, as we’ll be covering the 2011 Razzie winners right alongside the 2011 Razzie nominations.

See also:

1. List of Razzie Award Winners
2. Nominees for the 30th Golden Raspberry Awards
3. 2011 Golden Globe Winners
4. 2011 Oscar Predictions
5. 2011 Golden Globe Nominations and Predictions
6. Internet Movie Database
7. 2011 Screen Actors Guild Awards
   

• Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? – This TV movie might as well have been called Mother, May I Come Up with a Better Title?. It does star Tori Spelling, though, so an overall lack of quality should be expected.
• C.H.U.D.- The title of the film stands for “Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.” That’s real clever, but most moviegoers aren’t going to bother with trying to get a closer look at the definition. To save time, why didn’t they just get right to the point and call it S.H.I.T.?

• Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – You know a title’s bad when it becomes synonymous with a sequel that‘s, to quote Wikipedia, “ridiculous, absurd, unwanted, unnecessary, formulaic, or simply obscure.” It does, however, feature a young Ice-T dancing, so maybe it’s not all bad.
• The Shawshank Redemption – Great movie. Awful title. Who’s Shawshank, and why does he need redeeming? A better title would’ve been Voice-Overs By Morgan Freeman.
• K-19 The Widowmaker – K-19 sounds like it can kill your ass, but that really doesn’t tell me what it is. I wonder if it’s more lethal than J-18? I’m sure Harrison Ford could provide some enlightenment, assuming he didn’t just tell us to “fu*k off” like poor Bruno.
• Gleaming the Cube – A nonsensical title from an interview with a (probably stoned) skater dude, the alternate titles were A Brother’s Justice and Skate or Die. Boy, this one just can’t win for losing.
• Step Into Liquid – Easily the grossest title on the list. At least it wasn’t called Step Into Diarrhea.
• Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx – It stars Gene Wilder as an Irishman in love, but it sounds like the story of a anthropomorphic duck who journeys to the big city.
• Santa Claus Conquers the Martians – The title makes it sound like a bizarre action film where jolly old Saint Nick guns down Martians before raping and pillaging his way across the surface of the Red Planet. Prepare to be disappointed. Instead, Santa cracks a series of bad jokes and matches wits with the most moronic aliens this side of Area 51.
• Heartbeeps – It actually does kinda sound like a movie about robots in love, but can artificial beings from 1981 be anything but completely cheesy?
• Ordinary People – Now this is an exciting title. Expect two hours of people popping zits, using the toilet, and trying to save a few bucks on their car insurance.
• To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar – Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo are drag queens, but you’d never know it from the awful title. It’s actually the signature on a photo of Julie Newmar carried around by the trio, but good luck puzzling that out without seeing the film. For that matter, good luck remembering the name without something to refer back to. Easily one of the worst movie titles ever devised.

• B*A*P*S – It stands for “Black American Princesses,” a phrase that I imagine star Halle Berry is still trying to burn from her memory (along with Catwoman). I also love the film’s shameless tagline that tries to draw in fans from other films: “These Pretty Women…are Clueless.” One of the queens of bad movie titles.
• The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies – While it gets the point across, is anyone interested in “mixed up” zombies? I prefer my movie undead to have a rather clear goal: brains.
• Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? – It’s a musical, in case you’re wondering, featuring female characters named Mercy Humppe and Polyester Poontang (Joan Collins). Here’s a rule of thumb: if your lead character is named Hieronymus, you’re screwed.
• Leonard Part 6 – Everyone loves Bill Cosby, but even his squeaky clean humor and mugging for the camera couldn’t save this godawful film about a spy named Leonard.
• The Constant Gardener – Nominated for four Oscars, the film is a powerful exploration of one man’s search for answers and revenge. Sadly, the title makes it sound like the cast does nothing except hang out in a greenhouse every day.
• Gigli – The press packet for film critics came with a guide on how to properly pronounce the title. The grateful critical community responded by crapping all over the film, calling it one of the worst ever. As bad as GEE-LEE sounds, however, I’m sure many moviegoers read it as GIG-LEE, which sounds like the name of a Civil War soldier.
• K-Pax – Kevin Spacey’s character claims to be an alien from the planet K-Pax, and the movie poster prominently features his face and that of Jeff Bridges. Between the title and the pictures, guess which one Hollywood was relying on to sell tickets?
• EEGAH! The Name Written In Blood! – The film’s tagline is “The crazed love of a prehistoric giant for a ravishing teenage girl.” Hope someone invested a few dollars in some Trojan Magnums, or that poor, ravishing teen may not be able to walk for a week. Even the makers of Encino Man had the good sense not to name their film after the damned caveman, and that had Pauly Shore in it.

If you liked this list of the worst movie titles, then you may also get a kick out of the following:

• 13 Good Hollywood Movies for Idiots
• 15 Worst Films of the Last Decade
• 10 Biggest Movie Disappointments of the Last Decade

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) – Robots battle each other while the camera pretends to have a seizure. Megan Fox shakes her money maker, dogs hump one another, and a mom eats some brownies laced with marijuana. The audience could hardly contain their glee, and this crappy sequel grossed almost $850 million at the box office. We are truly in the end times.
• Titanic (1997) – Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet play young lovers who have the misfortune of falling for each other on a ship that’s got a date with an iceberg. Director James Cameron must’ve put subliminal messages on the screen, because hoards of weepy viewers went back for multiple helpings of this overlong melodrama. It grossed over $1 billion and held the all-time record until Cameron’s Avatar (also featuring hidden commands for the weak willed) knocked it from the top spot.
• 2012 (2009) – The world goes out with a bang and not a whimper in this apocalyptic effects-fest from director Roland Emmerich. Filled with improbable escapes and paper-thin characters, 2012 would gross over $769 million.
• Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) – In order to spend more time with his kids, a recently-divorced voice actor dresses up like a 60-year-old female Scottish housekeeper. The rest of the movie is filled with plenty of sight gags to keep the peanut gallery rolling in the aisles. The moral of the film? Bizarre and obsessive behavior will be rewarded in the long run. It grossed over $440 million at the box office.
• I Am Legend (2007) – Will Smith turns in a solid performance as the last normal man on the island of Manhattan following a viral outbreak. Too bad the rest of the film doesn’t try as hard. The infected are reduced to hokey-looking CGI creations, and a kid is eventually thrown into the mix in an effort to “connect” with younger viewers. The latter strategy worked, as the film grossed over $585 million.
• Angels & Demons (2009) – Tom Hanks dusts off his hairpiece and reprises his role as symbologist Robert Langdon in the latest adaptation of a laughable Dan Brown novel. This time around, Langdon must deal with a ruthless assassin and a vial of deadly antimatter in order to save the Vatican. Be prepared for plenty of moronic plot twists and implausible events. It grossed over $485 million.
• Godzilla (1998) – Another entry from director Roland Emmerich, with this one being far worse that 2012. Instead of the classic monster that everyone knew and loved, some fool in Hollywood decided to try and reinvent the wheel. They failed. Instead, the result was a giant lizard that only needed a few direct missile hits in order to be rendered dead. And Matthew Broderick is no Raymond Burr. Predictably, it made over $379 million.
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) – In an episode of South Park, the kids from Colorado look on in horror as the latest installment of the action/adventure franchise features George Lucas and Steven Spielberg acting out a number of famous cinematic rape scenes with a helpless Indiana Jones. That about sums it up. Of course, that didn’t stop the film from grossing over $786 million at the worldwide box office.
• Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) – The future Darth Vader is a little kid throughout the movie, Ewan McGregor is all kinds of annoying as Obi-Wan, and then there’s Jar Jar Binks. I’m reminded of the phrase “quit while you’re ahead.” George Lucas ignored this advice to the tune of a $924,317,558 gross.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007) – The pirate franchise wrapped up its storyline with an orgy of fighting, CGI effects, and overacting. The Keith Richards cameo did not help matters. Featuring the highest production budget ever ($300 million), the film still managed to make a killing by grossing over $960 million. Another one of these damned movies, entitled On Stranger Tides, is scheduled for a 2011 release date. Arrggghhhh.
• Pearl Harbor (2001) – Combine lots of explosions, bad dialogue, battle scenes that rely too much on CGI, and a ludicrous love triangle. The result? One of the many profitable pieces of garbage from Michael Bay. Who knew the “greatest generation” looked so good when walking in slow motion? It’s gross fell just shy of $500 million.
• Bad Boys II (2003) – Speaking of Michael Bay, he returns to direct this sequel starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as a pair of bickering Miami cops. While plenty of bodies get riddled with bullets, the entire production just seems to be going through the motions. There’s also an inordinate amount of cursing for a movie of this type, so sensitive types should beware. Roger Ebert got particularly bent out of shape over a scene involving a naïve teenage boy and the use of the dreaded n-word. You’ve been warned.
• Planet of the Apes (2001) – Tim “Spooky” Burton decided to reboot the franchise. While he was at it, he should’ve just dug up the deceased cast members of the original series and pissed on their bones. Even in ape makeup, Helena Bonham Carter manages to generate more raw sexuality that a barely-clad Estella Warren. Tim Roth turned down the role of Severus Snape to appear as an evil chimp general. Ouch. It did, however, gross over $362 million.

If this list of 13 good Hollywood movies for idiots has placed you in a cinematic frame of mind, then be sure to check out the posts below. And don’t forget that all the films listed above can be purchased through Amazon (giving us a small commission in the process).

• Good Movies to Rent
• Worst Movie Titles
• Good Movies Coming in 2011
• Good Movie Ideas

1. Battlefield Earth – Any discussion of the worst films of the decade has to begin with this Scientology tribute to the writings of L. Ron Hubbard. John Travolta stars as a nine-foot-tall member of an alien race named Psychlos, the rulers of Earth for the last 1,000 years. But all that’s about to change when the heroic-yet-oddly-named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) arrives on the scene. This is what happens when you base a film on a work by a hack novelist.
2. Catwoman – Halle Berry purrs, meows, and does her best to simulate a woman resurrected with feline instincts. None of it matters, though, because Catwoman has nothing of interested besides the toned bodies of Berry and co-star Sharon Stone. Berry’s career has never been quite the same.
3. The Love Guru – Audiences found the dentally-challenged Austin Powers to be a delight, but they crapped all over Guru Maurice Pitka. Not only did the unfunny comedy lose money, but it also picked up three Golden Raspberry Awards, the ultimate achievement in movie crappiness.
4. The Wicker Man – Nicolas Cage scream hysterically about bees, karate kicks women in the chest, and dresses up in a giant bear costume…and this is supposed to be a horror movie! Instead, it becomes an unintentional comedy and a slap in the face to fans of the original British classic. Definitely in the “so bad it’s funny” category.
5. Wild Wild West – None of what made the original television series work is present in this train wreck of a remake. Even shots of Salma Hayek’s bare ass couldn’t save this one. Years later, Will Smith would issue an apology to the original James West, Robert Conrad, but that did little for audience members who’d already been traumatized by the sight of a giant mechanical spider and Kenneth Branagh as a maniacal, wheelchair-bound Southerner. About the only positive thing was getting to hear Cartman mock the film’s theme song years later.
6. Glitter – This Mariah Carey vanity project bombed, and so did the concept album soundtrack. Carey’s acting is forced at best, and the fairy tale element will make anyone over the age of 10 puke their guts out. Carey’s got loads of talent, but absolutely none of it was on display here. I consider it one of the worst films of the decade, but many critics have went so far as to label it one of the worst films ever made.
7. From Justin to Kelly – What happens when you combine the winner and runner-up from the first season of American Idol? You get this piece of garbage noted for horrible acting and lousy choreography. Even though the film is set during Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale, all the characters seem strangely clothed and sober. Kelly Clarkson managed to survive this potential career killer, but it was nail-in-the-coffin time for Justin Guarini and his damnable hair.
8. Norbit – Filled with rampant stereotypes, Norbit features Rasputia Latimore (Murphy), a domineering and morbidly obese woman who actually gets a harpoon in the ass at one point. That’s what passes for comedy in this jumbled stinker. Sadly, the film grossed over $150 million, showing that audiences around the globe are just one evolutionary heartbeat away from clobbering each other with sticks.
9. Syriana – If you’d like to be preached at but don’t want to go to church, try this heavy-handed tale about politics and greed in the Middle East. Most critics gave it high praise, but I stand firm in my hatred for this over-acted and obnoxious piece of cinema. A rant by Tim Blake Nelson marks the film’s low point.
10. Southland Tales – Pretentious in the extreme, Southland Tales takes a promising cast and makes them all look like a bunch of simpering fools. Richard Kelly also directed the semi-pretentious Donnie Darko, but he at least seemed to exercise a bit of restraint on that one. Not this time around. Filled with lots of “meaningful” dialogue, slow-motion, and “hip” songs, the film is a downright embarrassment from start to finish. Kelly deemed it a “great black comedy,” but the only amusing part is how poorly it performed at the box office (less than $1 million on a budget of $15 – $17 million).
11. I Know Who Killed Me – This one should’ve been renamed I Know Who Killed My Career…Me, as Lindsay Lohan hasn’t appeared in a film for two years following this disaster. Dealing with a serial killer and separated twins with a psychic connection (both played by Lohan), the whole thing spiraled out of control and set a new record for the number of Golden Raspberries won (eight). When you break a record previously held by Battlefield Earth, that’s quite an accomplishment.
12. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen – It made over $500 million within the last year, so anyone who reads this probably saw it. Shame on you. Why don’t you just go harpoon a whale while you’re at it (or Eddie Murphy in a fat suit)?
13. Swept Away – Madonna’s private parts must secrete some kind of chemical that causes men to lose their minds. How else can you explain films like Shanghai Surprise and this one? Guy Ritchie was a perfectly good filmmaker until he hooked up with the “Material Girl,” and then he decided to remake a beloved Italian film and put his wife in the lead role. Grossing less that $1 million off a $10 million budget, Swept Away deservedly captured five Golden Raspberries for its ego-tripping mediocrity.
14. Revolver – Another film made during the Madonna era, Revolver is an absolute mess of a movie masquerading as a Guy Ritchie crime picture. Madonna and her hubby were in the middle of a Kabbalah phase, and so the script is filled with reference to this ancient form of mysticism. Not exactly the best material for a crime film. Worst of all, the movie is just dreadfully boring. But critic Brian Orndorf called it “the perfect movie for those who like to crack things open and dig around the innards.” If you happen to run into Brian Orndorf, would you please kick him in the nuts for me? One of the worst films I’ve ever seen.
15. Delta Farce – Country comics Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy team up as National Guardsmen who think they’ve been deployed to Iraq, when they’re actually in Mexico. This leads to such comic gems as a villain named Carlos Santana (poor Danny Trejo) and “Operation: Sombrero.” If you think Delta Farce is hilarious…you might be a redneck.

If you have your own thoughts on the 15 worst films of the decade, be sure to let us know in the comments section. You’re also welcome to visit our movie forum and start a debate on the subject.

Also recommended:

• The Most Influential Films of the Last Decade
• Worst Movie Titles
• 10 Best Visual Effects in Movies in the Last Decade
• 10 Biggest Movie Disappointments of the Last Decade

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – The guys from South Park had it right. Basically, this film is 124 minutes of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg raping poor Indy and our memories of him. The Russians aren’t nearly the movie villains that the Nazis were, and even Cate Blanchett (and her dorky wig) can’t elevate the proceedings. The action is sluggish and routine, the overall plot is underwhelming, and Indy’s advanced age reminds us all that we’ve got one foot in the grave. What a bummer.
2. King Kong – The climactic scene with Kong loose in New York still looks great, but the rest of Peter Jackson’s overlong remake fails to deliver anything new. Adrien Brody and his mammoth nose are unconvincing as Kong’s romantic rival for the affections of actress Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts), and the same can be said for Jack Black and his non-comedic turn as an opportunistic filmmaker. A perfect example of why some movies just don’t need to be remade or “re-imagined.”
3. The Matrix Revolutions – The first Matrix movie was an innovative piece of action cinema. The sequel wasn’t quite as good, and this third and final entry was just groan-inducing. The fortune cookie wisdom of the previous films had long ago grown tiresome, and repeatedly encounters between Neo and Agent Smith failed to break any new ground. Combine that with an unsatisfying climax, and you’ve got a lock for one of the 10 biggest movie disappointments of the last decade.
4. Wild Wild West – The television version of Wild Wild West was inventive and lots of fun – two things that the movie version was not. Will Smith implausibly plays a black secret service agent in the late 1800s, and the villainous Dr. Loveless is rewritten from a genius dwarf into a crippled Civil War veteran (played by Kenneth Brannagh). Wacko producer Jon Peters finally got his giant mechanical spider inserted into a film, after insisting on the same thing for two other projects. No wonder Robert Conrad was pissed off.
5. The Wicker Man – I have no idea why I was looking forward to this one. I suppose it was because the original was such an enjoyable film. The Nicolas Cage remake wasn’t anywhere approaching enjoyable, and it was loaded down with scenes that were unintentionally hilarious. If you’ve ever wanted to see Nicolas Cage punch out a bunch of women (once while dressed up as a bear), then this is the movie for you.
6. The Love Guru – I laughed at all the Austin Powers movies, so I figured the next Michael Myers comedy would be money in the bank. Boy, was I wrong. Even the amazing hotness of Jessica Alba couldn’t keep this stinker from being all kinds of annoying. Fortunately, it lost money, so we’ll never have to see Guru Maurice Pitka ever again.
7. Battlefield Earth – How I could’ve possibly been looking forward to a movie adapted from the works of hack writer L. Ron Hubbard is beyond me. It did star Barry Pepper, John Travolta, and Forest Whitaker, but the latter two stars were dressed as nine-foot-tall aliens sporting ratty-looking dreadlocks. If you love bad cinema, though, you won’t be the least bit disappointed. After all, where else can you hear Travolta utter such lines as “Ratbastard,” and “Exterminate all man-animals at will”?
8. Speed Racer – This adaptation of the legendary Japanese cartoon is filled with colors and CGI effects, but it’s only suitable for small children jacked up on a sugar high. Anyone over the age of 10 will be bored to tears by the endlessly interchangeable races and 135 minute run time. Even the presence of a wacky chimpanzee can’t help this film.
9. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace – While I didn’t hate The Phantom Menace, it certainly wasn’t as good as I would’ve wished for. Racial stereotypes abound, acting plays second fiddle to CGI effects, and young Anakin wears out his welcome within a few minutes. And that’s not even mentioning Jar Jar Binks, perhaps the most annoying movie character ever created. This was the first film that George Lucas had directed in 22 years, and the rust is painfully obvious.
10. Catwoman – Halle Berry is the heroic, undead Catwoman, and Sharon Stone plays the villainess. That alone was enough to get my attention, but the silly Egyptian cats and defective beauty product angle were enough to sap my enthusiasm. A total of 28 writers were involved with Catwoman, and it certainly shows. Berry would go on to win a Golden Raspberry award for Worst Actress, an honor she personally accepted with her Oscar clutched in the other hand.

This list of the 10 biggest movie disappointments of the last decade barely scratches the surface of Hollywood mediocrity. In the coming days, I’ll also be covering the worst films of the last decade, so be sure to check it out. In the meantime, you can also kill off a few brain cells by perusing the following:

• 20 Movie Sequels That Sucked
• Worst Movie Titles
• The Most Influential Films of the Last Decade
• The 15 Worst Films of the Last Decade
• 10 Best Visual Effects in Movies in the Last Decade