Top 10 Movie Catfights

By Shane Rivers

Obsessed will be opening across the country on April 24th, and audience members are being promised a rollicking catfight between uber-babes Beyonce and Ali Larter. If you’re a fan of girl-on-girl action, you might also want to check out these legendary cinematic battles. I call it “Top 10 Movie Catfights,” but you’ll probably call it sheer bliss.

10. Sistah Girl (Aunjanue Ellis) vs. White She-Devil (Denise Richards) from Undercover Brother – It’s black meat versus white meat, as these two foxy secret agents decide to wage their own private race war. As clothes start getting ripped away, the men in the room take notice, stop their fighting, and sit down to enjoy the show (even producing snacks and a few easy chairs). The ever-popular “Brick House” begins to play, and the combatants up the lust factor by taking their battle into a conveniently located shower (in slow-motion, no less). Who wins? Every guy in the audience, of course.
9. Yuki (Eri Ishikawa) vs. Satomi (Sayaka Kamiya) vs. Yuko (Hitomi Hyuga) vs. Yuka (Satomi Hanamura) vs. Haruka (Satomi Ishii) vs. Chisato (Asami Kanai) from Battle Royale – Talk about plenty of catfight bang for your buck! When a group of Japanese teenagers are abducted by the government, dropped on an island, and told to fight to the death, you know all hell is going to break loose. This is especially true when a group of schoolgirls take refuge in a lighthouse. Things are going great until they take in a wounded boy named Nanahara, who one of the girls (Yuko) believes murdered her boyfriend. She tries to poison him with cyanide, but another plucky student grabs the dish and unknowingly chows down on the poison. After she vomits blood and expires, the other girls turn on each other in a hail of bullets. Yuko cowers under a table and survives, but is so overcome by guilt that she flings herself from the top of the lighthouse. Nobody does a sexy-yet-disturbing catfight quite like our friends in Japan.
8. Becky Foxx (Teri Hatcher) vs. Helga Svelgen (Charlize Theron) from 2 Days in the Valley – This catfight took place back when Theron was just getting her start and Hatcher was still hot. After arguing over a man, Helga makes the mistake of calling Becky “a little bitch.” It’s on, and the Amazonian Helga (clad in drool-inducing white spandex), quickly commences to put a beating on her smaller opponent. But Becky turns the tables with a vase to the head, and the two minxes are soon wrestling over a gun. A shot rings out, and Becky flees from a gun-wielding (and wounded) Helga. Besides Danny Aiello’s toupee, easily the best part of the film.
7. Lori Quaid (Sharon Stone) vs. Melina (Rachel Ticotin) from Total Recall – This fight pits bad girl Melina against really bad girl Lori, with an unconscious Arnold Schwarzenegger as the prize. As Arnie is being drug away by henchmen, Melina exits an elevator spraying death from her machine gun. She drops all the men in the room, but Lori then leaps into action while sporting a sexy blue pantsuit. From there, it’s a flurry of kicks and judo throws, with Lori eventually getting the advantage. But just before she can finish off her opponent with a knife, Schwarzenegger regains his senses and gives his treacherous movie wife a divorce (courtesy of a bullet to the head and one of his patented corny one-liners). What a waste.
6. Charlene Morton (Queen Latifah) vs. Ashley (Missi Pyle) from Bringing Down the House – Charlene is tired of being disrespected, so she confronts the haughty Ashley about it. The spoiled cracker is totally unapologetic, and you can almost hear Charlene thinking, “Oh, no you didn’t.” In under a minute, the two are squaring off, and the crafty Ashley drops her opponent’s big ass onto the ground with a leg sweep. Quoth Ashley, “You messed with the wrong WASP, bitch.” But despite her Tae Bo training, Ashley eventually succumbs to the ghetto-honed skills of Charlene. Not only does she get her head dunked in a toilet, but the final result of the fight sees her hanging unconscious from a clothes hook on the bathroom door. Street smarts 1, Billy Blanks 0.
5. The Bride (Uma Thurman) vs. Vernita Green (Vivica A. Fox) from Kill Bill Vol. 1 – Once she comes out of her coma, all The Bride can think about is getting revenge on those responsible for the death of her fiancé and unborn child. As the movie begins, she pays a visit to the suburban home of Vernita Green, a retired assassin formerly known as Copperhead. The two immediately engage in a brutal fight, with Vernita’s living room getting smashed to hell. The knives come out, and the ladies fight through the kitchen and back into the TV room, pausing only upon the arrival of Vernita’s daughter from school. A bunch of unrealistic dialogue follows, punctuated by Vernita taking a shot at The Bride with a holdout gun hidden in a box of cereal. The shot goes wide, and The Bride ends the struggle once and for all by throwing her knife straight through the sexy homemaker’s heart.
4. The Bride (Uma Thurman) vs. Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama) from Kill Bill Vol. 1 – Yeah, I know it looks like this is turning into a list of best Kill Bill fights, but I can’t help it if Quentin Tarantino knows how to stage a catfight. In this battle, The Bride takes on Gogo Yubari, the personal bodyguard of enemy (and former teammate) O-Ren Ishii. This saucy little psycho wears a Japanese schoolgirl outfit and wields a weapon known as a meteor hammer (basically, a big-ass steel ball at the end of a chain). And Gogo sure knows how to work that ball, knocking The Bride all over the place and forcing her to cough up blood as a result. Blades eventually come out of the weapon, and our heroine looks to be on the ropes (especially when the chain ends up around her neck and a sick, crunching sound can be heard). But ever the resourceful one, The Bride grabs a table leg broken in the fight and hits Gogo upside her adorable little head. Nothing like nails to the brain to end a fight.
3. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) vs. The Alien Queen from Aliens – As the movie reaches its climax, every male cast member has either been disabled or horribly killed. That leaves only Ellen Ripley and the revenge-driven Alien Queen. The estrogen really starts to flow as Ripley climbs into a heavy-duty piece of equipment known as a power loader and begins her attack (even calling the xenomorph queen a bitch for good measure). Despite the difference in species, this one is a catfight for the ages.
2. The Bride (Uma Thurman) vs. Elle Driver (Daryl Hannah) from Kill Bill Vol. 2 – The third Kill Bill entry on our list, this one takes place in a cramped mobile home in Texas. After clawing her way out of a grave, The Bride goes after former teammate Bud (Michael Madsen) only to find that he’s just been dispatched by the treacherous Elle Driver (never trust a woman with an eye patch). With a deadly black mamba snake loose in the trailer, the two archenemies engage in a knock-down, drag-out catfight. The interior of the home is torn to pieces, and both women give as good as they get. Much like our sixth entry, the villainess gets her head stuffed in a toilet, and the fight eventually ends with Elle’s one good eye being plucked out and stomped on by The Bride. As she leaves, her blinded opponent flails about in the same room as the deadliest snake in the world. If you’ve ever fanaticized about two middle-aged blondes fighting to the death, then this is a can’t-miss scene.
1. Yu Shu-lien (Michelle Yeoh) vs. Jen (Zhang Ziyi) from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – This showdown between experience and youthful passion tops our list of the top 10 movie catfights. Both women are hot (especially the pouty Zhang Ziyi), and both have a martial arts background which allows them to perform with a variety of weapons. This fight tests their skills to the max, as swords, poles and spears–as well as a few weapons that I don’t even know the names for–are all used with deadly intent. Sure, nobody gets their top ripped off or suffers through a spanking, but great catfights are about more than just gratuitous t&a (not that there’s anything wrong with a little gratuitous t&a from time to time).

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