The 13 Best Jason Voorhees Kills

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 at 11:38 pm
By Shane Rivers

The most prolific slasher in the history of cinema, Jason Voorhees has been hacking his way into the hearts of moviegoers for over 25 years as part of the Friday the 13th franchise. With the series getting a reboot on Friday, February 13th, 2009, I figured it was time that we looked back on some of the bloodiest entries on Jason’s resume.

Gorehounds, rejoice! The following murders are the highlights of a lengthy career spent offing horny teens and mumbling drifters. I now proudly present, Friday the 13th: The 13 Best Jason Voorhees Kills.

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13. Stabbed and Bedded (Freddy vs. Jason)

From the moment Trey (Jesse Hutch) makes his appearance, you know he’s doomed to die a horrible death. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at what we learn about Trey during his all-too-brief screen time.

After sending his girlfriend away to get that nasty menthol smell out of her hair, Trey relaxes on the bed and pops open a beer. Unfortunately, he only gets to enjoy one sip before that damned Jason Voorhees appears in the room, stabs him 10 times with a machete, and then folds the bed in half with him still in it. Poor Trey is bent backwards, his legs coming up to touch the back of his head.

12. Machete to the Face (Friday the 13th Part 2)

The 13 Best Jason Voorhees KillsAfter watching this kill, you’ll never be able to accuse Jason Voorhees of discriminating against the handicapped. The subject in question is Mark (Tom McBride), an athletic summer camp counselor confined to a wheelchair after a motorcycle wreck.

Mark wastes no time in attracting a female counselor, and the pair are soon ready to do the deed. As she goes to retrieve some things from her car, she utters the line “I’ll be right back,” immediately dooming her to die in the next scene.

Mark decides to investigate, but he quickly gets a machete in the face for his troubles. With a stunned look, Mark and his wheelchair roll off the porch and down a long flight of rain-soaked stairs.

11. The Heart Punch (Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives)

Looks like Jason must not be a Welcome Back Kotter fan. Otherwise, why would he go and kill the actor who played Arnold Horseshack (Ron Palillo)? In this Friday the 13th entry, Mr. Palillo plays Allen Hawes, an old friend of Tommy Jarvis from their institution days.

Tommy can’t rest until he sends Jason to hell, and Hawes comes along for the ride. After Tommy accidentally resurrects the killer (whoops!), Horseshack comes to the rescue by cracking a shovel over Jason’s head.

Sadly, this tactic fails to impress their maggoty nemesis, and he promptly punches his hand through the body of Hawes. When it emerges on the other side, we get treated to the still-beating heart of Horseshack. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

10. Pop Goes the Eyeball (Friday the 13th Part 3)

Rick (Paul Kratka) is a self-professed “dumb country boy” who’s in love with the troubled Chris. Unfortunately, Chris once survived an encounter with Jason, and now he’s coming to finish the job.

Rick claims he could’ve spent the weekend with Mary Jo Conrad, and he’s soon left wondering why he didn‘t. After committing the horror movie mistake of going to “take a look around,“ Rick comes face-to-face with Jason.

The sexually frustrated hero is lifted off the ground by his head and squeezed until his eyeball comes flying at the audience. Remember, Friday the 13th Part 3 was originally shown in glorious 3D!

9. Spear in the Eye (Friday the 13th Part 3)

Another entry from Part 3, this one concerns the fate of a sexy Latina named Vera Sanchez (Catherine Parks). Much to Vera’s disappointment, she’s paired up for the weekend with uber-dork Shelly. Although she does warm to him a little, she spurns his clumsy advances and goes down to the dock to clear her head.

Meanwhile, Shelly is busy getting his throat slit in the barn and relieved of his hockey mask. As Vera ponders whatever hot girls ponder, she drops Shelly’s wallet into the water and wades in to retrieve it.

It’s only then that she notices a rather large man with a goalie’s mask headed her way. As he takes steady aim with the spear gun he’s toting around, Vera pauses to ask such penetrating questions as, “Who are you?” and “What are you doing?”

The stranger doesn’t reply, opting instead to fire a spear into her left eye socket. Despite suffering a horrible fate, Vera Sanchez holds the distinction of being the first victim of the mask-wearing Jason Voorhees.

8. Smashed into Tree (Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood)

When confronted with a machete-wielding madman cutting his way into her tent, this genius camper decides to hide in her sleeping bag and pull the covers over her head. Amazingly, the tactic fails to confuse Jason, and he’s soon dragging her flailing body outside.

He then lifts up the sleeping bag and slams it into a nearby tree with enough force to instantly kill the contents. While this was hardly the bloodiest kill in Friday the 13th history, it was certainly one of the cooler-looking ones.

7. Flying, Flaming Machete (Freddy vs. Jason)

When he’s not playing football, the oafish Shack (Chris Gauthier) likes to bully nerds, smoke pot, and attend raves held in cornfields. When Jason arrives, he even has the nerve to taunt him for looking like a hillbilly.

After witnessing Jason‘s bloody handiwork firsthand, the rotund athlete douses Voorhees in Everclear and lights him on fire. Bad idea, as the pursuing maniac sets the cornfield ablaze.

Shack flees for his life and leads the killer right into the heart of the rave. Emerging into the clearing, the teen thinks he’s finally safe.

At that same moment, a flaming machete flies through the air and imbeds itself in Shack’s back. Things get all slo-mo for a second, and fatty spits out a stream of blood before falling down dead.

6. Folded in Half (Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives)

Sheriff Michael Garris (David Kagen) had a pretty cushy job as the top law dog for Forrest Green (formerly Crystal Lake). That is, until Tommy Jarvis came along and accidentally brought Jason Voorhees back from the dead.

Garris thinks Tommy is nuts, but his daughter, Megan, takes a liking to the troubled youth. After breaking Tommy out of jail, she and Jarvis head to Crystal Lake with the cops in hot pursuit. It’s only when they arrive that Garris realizes the stories of Jason’s return are true. After his men are picked off one-by-one, the sheriff and Jason square off for a showdown.

Garris puts up a helluva fight, unloading three shotgun blasts and four shots from a revolver into the killer. Jason keeps coming, and Garris wisely runs like hell.

As he’s hiding out in the undergrowth, he notices Jason turn his attention towards Megan. The sheriff refuses to lose his only daughter, so he makes a desperate attack. Knocking the masked lunatic to the ground, Garris kicks him, climbs on top of him, and then uses nearby limbs and rocks to pummel him.

This doesn’t stop Jason for long. He eventually tires of the fight and reaches up to grab the sheriff by the shoulders. He then proceeds to bend Garris backwards until the cop is literally snapped in half.

5. Spear Gun to the Crotch (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)

After finding out that his girlfriend has been murdered, Paul (Alan Hayes) tries to swim to the safety of the dock. Just as he’s climbing out of the water, Jason surprises him with a spear gun to the crotch. Howling in pain, Paul is then lifted into the air, and Jason adds insult to injury by actually firing the weapon. Ouch!

4. Machete Strike from Hell (Freddy vs. Jason)

With two maniacs on the loose, it doubles the chances that someone is going to sneak up behind you and do something horrible. Poor Kia (Kelly Rowland) finds this out the hard way.

She calls out Freddy in order to save her friends, taunting him with lines such as, “What kind of faggot runs around in a Christmas sweater?” But before he can exact his revenge, Kia backs right into Jason and his machete.

The force of the resulting blow sends Kia flying through the air as if she were shot out of a cannon. She collides with a massive tree and momentarily flops like a fish before sliding down dead to the ground.

3. One Punch Knockout (Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan)

After fleeing to Manhattan to escape Jason, promising amateur boxer Julius (V.C. Dupree) ends up trapped on a rooftop with the psycho. With nowhere to go, he relies on his boxing skills, reminding himself, “Use the combos. Keep the feet light.”

Julius gives his opponent a lesson in the Sweet Science, landing 56 straight blows to the head and body of Mr. Voorhees. Gasping for air, his hands bloody from pounding a hockey mask, the weary Julius dares Jason to take his best shot.

Jason is happy to comply, throwing one big punch which decapitates Julius and sends his head bouncing along the rooftops. It finally falls into a dumpster, the lid slamming closed behind it.

2. Nitrogen Face (Jason X)

After being thawed out of a cryogenic freeze in the year 2455, Jason is taken to a lab for examination by the lovely and no-nonsense Adrienne (Kristi Angus). Unfortunately, the hot blonde is so wrapped up in her work that she fails to notice the massive killer stirring back to life.

Grabbing her from behind, Jason pushes her head down into a futuristic liquid nitrogen solution. The audience is then treated to a great close-up of Adrienne’s face being frozen solid.

Still not satisfied, Jason pulls her out, examines her frozen skull, and then smashes it to pieces on a nearby countertop.

1. Upside Down Machete Attack (Friday the 13th Part 3)

When he’s not having hot hammock sex with his girlfriend, Andy (Jeffrey Rogers) likes to walk around on his hands. Unfortunately, this sets him up for the greatest all-time Jason Voorhees kill.

As he’s headed to fetch a post-sex beer, Andy looks up and sees Jason raise his machete high overhead. With no time to react, all he can do is gasp as the huge blade nearly cuts him in half (starting at his crotch).

The impact is so great that he almost seems to explode. When next we see Andy, he’s in two distinct pieces and looking like some grotesque piece of carry-on luggage.