10 Movie Roles Megan Fox Should’ve Played
By Shane Rivers
Megan Fox is currently the “it girl” of Hollywood, with her every action drawing the immediate attention of both paparazzi and a legion of adoring (and often horny) fans. Now that the release of the highly-anticipated Jennifer’s Body is just around the corner, I wanted to take a look at 10 movie roles Megan Fox should’ve played.
Just imagine for a moment that you had access to a time machine and Megan Fox. Besides going back to the Paleolithic era and boning Ms. Fox in front of a bunch of frightened cavemen (I know it’s an odd fetish, so sue me), you might also set the device for a short jaunt to the Hollywood backlots of the past 20 years. Once there, you could then set history straight by replacing various actresses with the not-so-wholesome goodness that is Megan Fox. After all, wouldn’t just about any female role be better if she were playing the part?
For the purposes of this list, I’ve limited the actresses slated for replacement to the past few decades. I don’t think Hollywood execs in the 1940s would’ve known what to do with Megan Fox any more than a silent-era stag film viewer would’ve known what to make of Jenna Jameson.
The Role: Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction (1994)
Who Played It: Uma Thurman (although the studio wanted Meg Ryan or Holly Hunter)
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: Does Uma Thurman really look like the type of woman to inspire such jealously in crime boss husband Marsellus (Ving Rhames)? I mean, we’re talking about a woman who drives men to the point that they’ll throw other men out of windows over a foot massage. After having seen Thurman’s gnarled toes in the Kill Bill series, I’m just not buying that. Ms. Fox’s toes, however, are like ten little pieces of manna, each more delicious than the last. Besides, who wouldn’t want to see her light up the dance floor at Jack Rabbit Slim’s?
The Role: Sidney Prescott from Scream (1996)
Who Played It: Neve Campbell
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: Let’s face it: Neve Campbell is kinda lame. As the heroine of the Scream series, she spends most of the time looking like someone just ran over her cat. And when she’s not moping around or crying until her face gets all puffy, she’s being upstaged by co-stars such as Courtney Cox or Rose McGowan. That wouldn’t happen with Ms. Fox. Besides more than holding her own in the looks department, she’d also bring the kind of attitude to the role that only a girl with eight tattoos can.
The Role: Elizabeth “Doc” Clay from Road House (1989)
Who Played It: Kelly Lynch
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: There’s something a little bit trashy about the girl from Oak Ridge, Tennessee, so why not give her a chance to co-star in the ultimate trashy movie? As “Doc” Clay from Road House, Megan could’ve rubbed elbows with such trailer park heavyweights as Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott. In addition, she could’ve slipped into an unbelievably form-fitting dress and fixed her hair in that classic late-’80s style before doing a little dirty dancing in Dalton’s barnyard loft. As Wade Garrett (Elliott) so eloquently put it, “That gal’s got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that.” I couldn’t agree more.
The Role: Nomi Malone from Showgirls (1995)
Who Played It: Elizabeth Berkley
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: Do I even need to explain this one? The actress from Saved by the Bell looks surprisingly good as a female drifter who turns up in Vegas hoping to become a showgirl, but she’s no Megan Fox. Just imagine the star of the Transformers franchise engaging in a lesbian liplock with Gina Gershon and uttering such classic lines as “I got my period,” and “I liked it when you came. I liked your eyes.” Team up Megan Fox with Joe Eszterhas, and they could very well rule the world.
The Role: Selene from Underworld (2003)
Who Played It: Kate Beckinsale
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: The thought of Megan Fox clad all in leather with a tight corset, vampire fangs, and supernatural blue eyes is enough to make most heterosexual men masturbate themselves into a hairy-palmed stupor. Kate Beckinsale is ultra-fine, but the role of the Lycan-killing Selene would’ve also been perfect for the raven-haired Fox. I have no idea if she could pull off a British accent, but neither could Kevin Costner, and nobody seemed to mind.
The Role: Mina Harker from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
Who Played It: Winona Ryder
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: I don’t know why I have this sudden obsession with Megan Fox and vampire movies, but I’m confident she wouldn’t suck (har, har) as Mina Harker, the reincarnation of Vlad Dracula’s (Gary Oldman) former wife, Elisabeta. While Winona Ryder portrayed her as a mousy little thing living in London in the late 1800s, I picture the Fox version as more of a scandalous hedonist born into the aristocracy. Sure, some rewrites would be necessary, but wouldn’t it be more than worthwhile? Plus, it would give the filmmakers a chance to feature both Fox and busty Italian babe Monica Bellucci in the same film (she played one of Dracula‘s brides). They could even make a sequel in the vein (man, I’m good) of The Vampire Lovers, thus fulfilling one of my many Megan Fox lesbian fantasies.
The Role: Mitsuko Souma from Battle Royale (2000)
Who Played It: Kou Shibasaki
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: This completely insane Japanese film features an entire class of students who are taken to an isolated island by the government and forced to fight one another until only one remains alive. The character of Mitsuko Souma begins the film as damaged goods–her mother accepted money from pedophiles to “play” with her as a child–and she only gets worse as the story progresses. Using her sexual wiles and a variety of weapons, she wipes out a number of her classmates before finally meeting her end. In the revisionist version of the film, I see Megan Fox playing an American exchange student who unwittingly gets caught up in the contest. And at least once, she’s have to utter the following line: “You can’t do this. I’m an American.”
The Role: Baby Firefly from The Devil’s Rejects (2005)
Who Played It: Sheri Moon Zombie
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: Sheri Moon (and her ever-present ass) certainly looked good as white trash murderess Baby Firefly, but she was also 35 at the time. Isn’t that a little old to be playing a character referred to as “Baby”? Megan Fox is 12 years younger, and more than capable of portraying a deranged woman interested in ice cream and the fashions of Buck Owens. Besides, director Rob Zombie seems to have a thing for ass cracks, and that’s something which has been sorely lacking in Megan Fox’s movie roles to date.
The Role: Elle Driver from Kill Bill (2003)
Who Played It: Daryl Hannah
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: Daryl Hannah dropped her top for Playboy in 2004, but she waited far too long to exploit her sexuality. Forty-two when Kill Bill was filmed, she was a little long in the tooth to portray the lethal assassin known as Elle Driver aka California Mountain Snake. Given her rivalry with Uma Thurman’s Bride, I always imagined Driver to be a young upstart with a terrible temper and vicious streak a mile wide (Splash-era Hannah might‘ve done the trick). And while eyepatches can be sexy, the contrast works much better on a younger woman. Admittedly, I’d also kill to see Fox in a sexy white nurse’s outfit, so that’s yet another reason to put this role on my list.
The Role: Morgan Adams from Cutthroat Island (1995)
Who Played It: Geena Davis
Why Megan Fox Should’ve Played It: While I’d hate to cast Fox in the biggest box office flop of all time, I would like to see her all gussied up in one of those pirate outfits. Kiss my ass, Jack Sparrow; I’m far more interested in the adventures of Morgan Adams. I’m certain Matthew Modine, her co-star in the film, would wholeheartedly agree, especially since he gets to play her personal male slave. The dude from Vision Quest never had it so good.