10 Worst Movie Pets
By Shane Rivers
We can all agree that movie animals like Benji and Marley would make wonderful real-life pets. When they weren’t being adorably precocious, they’d no doubt be teaching your kids to read or something similarly helpful.
But then there’s the flip side to the coin. I’m talking about big screen varmints so ill-suited to domestication that only a madman would even make the attempt. Sure, they might still look cuddly, but each of the animals below has long since crossed the line separating loving companion from evil incarnate.
Now I give you…the 10 worst movie pets.
Ben (Willard) – Rats are creepy enough without Michael Jackson singing a song about them, but that’s exactly what happened with this telepathic rodent. In the movie Willard, Ben was a giant rat who eventually turned on his master due to jealousy. In the sequel, Ben, he led an army of rodents against humanity. While the cops eventually killed many of his cohorts, Ben escaped to once again wreak havoc. The Michael Jackson song entitled “Ben” went all the way to #1 on the charts. Ironically, most people would now rather be around a rat than the former King of Pop.
Church (Pet Sematary) – If your cat gets run over in the world of Stephen King, it’s better to just write it off and move on with your life. Unfortunately, Louis Creed didn’t heed that advice, burying the family cat, Church, on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground. The feline comes back, of course, but its behavior is decidedly different. It’s still all messed up from being run over, and it smells like something dead. There’s also the matter of it constantly killing birds and rodents without bothering to eat them. During Louis’s showdown with his undead son, Gage, the cat makes one final appearance, eventually being dispatched with a lethal dose of morphine. Yes, undead cats actually make worse pets than regular cats.
Ella (Monkey Shines) – Can you ever really trust a monkey? Not only do they look a little bit like us, but they’re also fond of hurling crap. A good rule of thumb is to never take in a pet which might hit you in the back of the head with a chunk of its poo. But Alan Mann is desperate, having been left a quadriplegic after getting hit by a truck. When he turns suicidal, a scientist friend loans him a monkey named Ella to serve as a helper. Ella, by the way, is extra intelligent due to having human brain tissue injected into her little monkey head. Here’s another rule to live by: Don’t accept gifts offered by your dangerously irresponsible scientist friend. Predictably, Ella becomes obsessed with Alan and starts killing off anyone who might come between them. I told you monkeys couldn’t be trusted.
Ramon (Alligator) – After being flushed down the toilet as a baby, an alligator named Ramon winds up in the sewers and eventually grows to over 35 feet in length. The trouble starts when Ramon develops a sweet tooth for people, and this craving for humanity culminates in a darkly humorous alligator assault on a party filled with the social elite of the city. That brings me to my next tip: If your pet is in danger of eating the mayor, it’s time to get yourself a gerbil.
Limpet (The Incredible Mr. Limpet) – If you ever learn that your pet fish is actually a transformed Don Knotts, you’re probably going to need some serious therapy. That’s what happens in The Incredible Mr. Limpet, however, as Don Knotts falls into the ocean and finds that he can magically turn into a fish. Besides leaving behind his nag of a wife for his new underwater sweetheart, Mr. Limpet also helps the Allied troops in their efforts against Nazi U-boats. You heard me right: Don Knotts turns into a fish and then fights the Nazis. On second thought, maybe Limpet wouldn’t make such a bad pet after all (as long as he wasn’t always bringing Gomer and Goober around).
Alvin, Simon and Theodore (Alvin and the Chipmunks) – Three precocious chipmunks who all sound as though they’ve been sucking down helium. Yeah, those really sound like dream pets. The only advantage to putting up with their antics would be that fat royalty check you’d get each year after people bought their dumbass Christmas album. The rest of the year would be a living hell.
The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) – In order to travel inside a cave and face the Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrrggghhh, King Arthur and his knights must first get past the guardian at the cave’s entrance. According to the eccentric Tim the Enchanter, the creature is blessed with “nasty, big, pointy teeth” and “a vicious streak a mile wide.” Imagine their surprise when the so-called guardian turns out to be a cute little bunny rabbit. Thoroughly unimpressed, Arthur sends one of his men to kill it, but he looks on in horror as the bunny flies through the air and bites the knight’s head clean off. What follows is an epic battle between the boys of the Round Table and the fearsome Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. Forced to retreat, Arthur must finally turn to the pious Brother Maynard and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. That rabbit was dynamite!
Rufus (Frostbitten) – If you’re a vampire in this 2006 Swedish film, one of your many powers includes the ability to talk to dogs. You may not like what they have to say, however, as one unfortunate character finds out while rapping with Rufus, the Pug belonging to his girlfriend. Besides confessing that he never liked the family’s recently murdered rabbit, Rufus also taunts the fledgling vampire about the now-damned state of his immortal soul. Pugs are ugly enough as it is, but do you really want a pet that tells you you’re going to hell?
Cujo (Cujo) – The movie’s canine lead is a friendly-looking Saint-Bernard by the name of Cujo. While he’s out chasing rabbits one day, Cujo gets bitten by a bat with rabies and soon goes completely bonkers. As he starts killing everyone in his vicinity, the once-lovable pet transforms into four-legged evil, complete with bloody fur and plenty of slobber. This eventually leads to an intense standoff between the rabid dog and the mother/son duo of Donna and Tad Trenton. And to think it could’ve all been avoided by a yearly vaccination.
Max (Man’s Best Friend) – If Lance Henriksen ever shows up at your house looking for your dog, it’s probably best to just hand it over. After all, do you really wanna screw with Lance Henriksen? In this case, the canine he’s looking for is named Max, and the animal was genetically engineered to be an especially lethal guard dog. This is proven time and again, as Max turns anyone who threatens him into human-sized chunks of Alpo. While he’s an unfortunate victim of modern science, this Tibetan Mastiff is still one of the worst possible movie pets to bring home to the family.