Casting the Tiger Woods Movie

Casting the Tiger Woods movie is no simple task. First off, it’s tough to find look-alikes for all the people involved in the Tiger Woods scandal, but it’s also hard to keep up with all the prominent players. It seems that every time I turn around, another woman is claiming to have slept with Tiger Woods. To keep things simple, I’ve narrowed it down to this list of 10. Feel free to chime in with your own fantasy casting picks.

Chris Tucker as Tiger Woods – First off, Tiger Woods is an odd-looking guy if you really pay attention. How could he not be, considering that he’s one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-eighth Dutch, one-eighth Native American and one-quarter African American? You’re not going to find an actor who meets all the required ethnic traits, so I’ve decided to go in a completely different direction when casting the Tiger Woods movie role. Chris Tucker is known for his high-pitched delivery and comedic talents, but I’m confident he could lower his voice and pull off the role. He’s certainly got the time, as he only did three films from 1998 until 2007 (all Rush Hour movies). And since Woods’ whole public persona is essentially a fabrication, you really don’t need to worry about getting an actor with too much depth. In fact, just the opposite would be best. In real-life, it sounds as though Cuba Gooding Jr. may be getting the role of Tiger Woods.

Sophie Monk as Elin Nordegren – Tiger’s hottie Swedish wife and the mother of his children. A former model, she was introduced to him while serving as an au pair (like a foreign exchange student/nanny) for golfer Jesper Parnevik. English/Australian actress/singer Sophie Monk has the good looks to portray her, right down to those sexy, plump lips. Besides, with her athletic body, I’m betting she could adequately wield a golf club to free her husband from a wrecked car or punish him for his infidelity.

Tim Thomerson as Jesper Parnevik – The Swedish pro golfer who first introduced Tiger Woods and his future wife, Parnevik is known for his outrageous fashion sense and turning up the bill of his baseball cap. As the scandal started to unfold, he made headlines by stating that he regretted having made the introductions between the two. There’s an 18-year difference between Parnevik (45) and actor Tim Thomerson (63), but the star of such films as Trancers and Evil Bong best matches Parnevik’s distinctive facial features.

Kelly Ripa as Jaimee Grubbs – A Los Angeles cocktail waitress who claimed to have a 31-month affair with Woods, which led to a total of 20 sexual encounters. Grubbs’ claims were initially dismissed, but then she produced a panicked voicemail from Woods worrying about his wife finding out. She also released a number of text messages, which she claimed to have kept for “sentimental” reasons. A class act all the way.

Kim Kardashian as Rachel Uchitel – A party girl and bartender, she was the first person romantically linked to Tiger Woods courtesy of a story in the National Enquirer. While there’s not much of a resemblance, party girl Kim Kardashian certainly has the trash factor going for her, so she’s as good a choice as any.

Jodi Lyn O’Keefe as Mindy Lawton – Yet another supposed mistress of Tiger Woods, this waitress claimed to have had sex with the golfer in his garage, shower, and a number of public parking lots. She also claimed that he was “very well endowed.” Casting the lovely Jodi Lyn O’Keefe in this role is doing the not-nearly-as-attractive Lawton a great favor.

Jaime Pressly as Holly Sampson – This porn star claimed to have only slept with Tiger Woods once. Paid to perform in a girl-on-girl-on-girl sex show for his 24th birthday party, Sampson claimed that the pair hooked up later in the night. You can see more of her goods in films such as MILF Bone 4 and Suck It Dry 6. Actress Jaime Pressly bears a slight resemblance in the face and with her lean, athletic body, so she gets the role.

Christina Ricci as Joslyn James – Yet another porn star alleged to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, James hasn’t been as vocal about the supposed fling as some of the other girls. While her boobs aren’t anywhere as big, actress Christina Ricci knows how to channel trashy sex appeal.

Bar Refaeli as Loredana Jolie – A former Playboy model who reportedly moved on to turning tricks, one of them being the billionaire golfer. She’s supposed to be putting together a book, claiming (among other things) that she witnessed Tiger having sex with men. Since I’m casting the Tiger Woods movie, I’m giving this role to Israeli supermodel (and girlfriend of Leonardo DiCaprio) Bar Refaeli.

Patton Oswalt as John Daly – This controversial golfer known as “Long John” and “Wild Thing” had nothing to do with the scandal, but I feel that any attempts at casting the Tiger Woods movie should include him. After all, we’re talking about a golfer who has suffered through gambling problems, weight problems, alcohol problems, multiple divorces and a love for cigarettes and Diet Coke. Who better to play him than chubby comic Patton Oswalt?

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