13 Good Hollywood Movies for Idiots

If you like to laugh at dogs humping and men getting hit in the balls, then be sure to check out these 13 good Hollywood movies for idiots. When I say “good,” I mean that the films made a killing at the box office. Otherwise, they were substandard efforts designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator. But don’t feel too bad, as I’ve seen each and every one of them. Does that make me an idiot or just a glutton for punishment? Read on, and make up your own mind.

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) – Robots battle each other while the camera pretends to have a seizure. Megan Fox shakes her money maker, dogs hump one another, and a mom eats some brownies laced with marijuana. The audience could hardly contain their glee, and this crappy sequel grossed almost $850 million at the box office. We are truly in the end times.
• Titanic (1997) – Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet play young lovers who have the misfortune of falling for each other on a ship that’s got a date with an iceberg. Director James Cameron must’ve put subliminal messages on the screen, because hoards of weepy viewers went back for multiple helpings of this overlong melodrama. It grossed over $1 billion and held the all-time record until Cameron’s Avatar (also featuring hidden commands for the weak willed) knocked it from the top spot.
• 2012 (2009) – The world goes out with a bang and not a whimper in this apocalyptic effects-fest from director Roland Emmerich. Filled with improbable escapes and paper-thin characters, 2012 would gross over $769 million.
• Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) – In order to spend more time with his kids, a recently-divorced voice actor dresses up like a 60-year-old female Scottish housekeeper. The rest of the movie is filled with plenty of sight gags to keep the peanut gallery rolling in the aisles. The moral of the film? Bizarre and obsessive behavior will be rewarded in the long run. It grossed over $440 million at the box office.
• I Am Legend (2007) – Will Smith turns in a solid performance as the last normal man on the island of Manhattan following a viral outbreak. Too bad the rest of the film doesn’t try as hard. The infected are reduced to hokey-looking CGI creations, and a kid is eventually thrown into the mix in an effort to “connect” with younger viewers. The latter strategy worked, as the film grossed over $585 million.
• Angels & Demons (2009) – Tom Hanks dusts off his hairpiece and reprises his role as symbologist Robert Langdon in the latest adaptation of a laughable Dan Brown novel. This time around, Langdon must deal with a ruthless assassin and a vial of deadly antimatter in order to save the Vatican. Be prepared for plenty of moronic plot twists and implausible events. It grossed over $485 million.
• Godzilla (1998) – Another entry from director Roland Emmerich, with this one being far worse that 2012. Instead of the classic monster that everyone knew and loved, some fool in Hollywood decided to try and reinvent the wheel. They failed. Instead, the result was a giant lizard that only needed a few direct missile hits in order to be rendered dead. And Matthew Broderick is no Raymond Burr. Predictably, it made over $379 million.
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) – In an episode of South Park, the kids from Colorado look on in horror as the latest installment of the action/adventure franchise features George Lucas and Steven Spielberg acting out a number of famous cinematic rape scenes with a helpless Indiana Jones. That about sums it up. Of course, that didn’t stop the film from grossing over $786 million at the worldwide box office.
• Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) – The future Darth Vader is a little kid throughout the movie, Ewan McGregor is all kinds of annoying as Obi-Wan, and then there’s Jar Jar Binks. I’m reminded of the phrase “quit while you’re ahead.” George Lucas ignored this advice to the tune of a $924,317,558 gross.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007) – The pirate franchise wrapped up its storyline with an orgy of fighting, CGI effects, and overacting. The Keith Richards cameo did not help matters. Featuring the highest production budget ever ($300 million), the film still managed to make a killing by grossing over $960 million. Another one of these damned movies, entitled On Stranger Tides, is scheduled for a 2011 release date. Arrggghhhh.
• Pearl Harbor (2001) – Combine lots of explosions, bad dialogue, battle scenes that rely too much on CGI, and a ludicrous love triangle. The result? One of the many profitable pieces of garbage from Michael Bay. Who knew the “greatest generation” looked so good when walking in slow motion? It’s gross fell just shy of $500 million.
• Bad Boys II (2003) – Speaking of Michael Bay, he returns to direct this sequel starring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as a pair of bickering Miami cops. While plenty of bodies get riddled with bullets, the entire production just seems to be going through the motions. There’s also an inordinate amount of cursing for a movie of this type, so sensitive types should beware. Roger Ebert got particularly bent out of shape over a scene involving a naïve teenage boy and the use of the dreaded n-word. You’ve been warned.
• Planet of the Apes (2001) – Tim “Spooky” Burton decided to reboot the franchise. While he was at it, he should’ve just dug up the deceased cast members of the original series and pissed on their bones. Even in ape makeup, Helena Bonham Carter manages to generate more raw sexuality that a barely-clad Estella Warren. Tim Roth turned down the role of Severus Snape to appear as an evil chimp general. Ouch. It did, however, gross over $362 million.

If this list of 13 good Hollywood movies for idiots has placed you in a cinematic frame of mind, then be sure to check out the posts below. And don’t forget that all the films listed above can be purchased through Amazon (giving us a small commission in the process).

• Good Movies to Rent
• Worst Movie Titles
• Good Movies Coming in 2011
• Good Movie Ideas

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