Worst Movie Titles

Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 5:50 pm

The worst movie titles manage to confuse and often repel potential customers, resulting in poor box office receipts and diminished careers. I’ve scoured my memory (and the Internet) in order to make this list, but feel free to chime in if you can think of any titles I’ve overlooked. Not coincidentally, most of the films on this list stink, but brave souls may wish to defy conventional logic by purchasing them through Amazon or renting them on Netlfix. We’ll make a small profit from your suffering, of course, but please don’t think any less of us. After all, you were given plenty of warning.

Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? – This TV movie might as well have been called Mother, May I Come Up with a Better Title?. It does star Tori Spelling, though, so an overall lack of quality should be expected.

C.H.U.D.- The title of the film stands for “Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.” That’s real clever, but most moviegoers aren’t going to bother with trying to get a closer look at the definition. To save time, why didn’t they just get right to the point and call it S.H.I.T.?

Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo – You know a title’s bad when it becomes synonymous with a sequel that‘s, to quote Wikipedia, “ridiculous, absurd, unwanted, unnecessary, formulaic, or simply obscure.” It does, however, feature a young Ice-T dancing, so maybe it’s not all bad.

The Shawshank Redemption – Great movie. Awful title. Who’s Shawshank, and why does he need redeeming? A better title would’ve been Voice-Overs By Morgan Freeman.

K-19 The Widowmaker – K-19 sounds like it can kill your ass, but that really doesn’t tell me what it is. I wonder if it’s more lethal than J-18? I’m sure Harrison Ford could provide some enlightenment, assuming he didn’t just tell us to “fu*k off” like poor Bruno.

Gleaming the Cube – A nonsensical title from an interview with a (probably stoned) skater dude, the alternate titles were A Brother’s Justice and Skate or Die. Boy, this one just can’t win for losing.

Step Into Liquid – Easily the grossest title on the list. At least it wasn’t called Step Into Diarrhea.

Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx – It stars Gene Wilder as an Irishman in love, but it sounds like the story of a anthropomorphic duck who journeys to the big city.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians – The title makes it sound like a bizarre action film where jolly old Saint Nick guns down Martians before raping and pillaging his way across the surface of the Red Planet. Prepare to be disappointed. Instead, Santa cracks a series of bad jokes and matches wits with the most moronic aliens this side of Area 51.

Heartbeeps – It actually does kinda sound like a movie about robots in love, but can artificial beings from 1981 be anything but completely cheesy?

Ordinary People – Now this is an exciting title. Expect two hours of people popping zits, using the toilet, and trying to save a few bucks on their car insurance.

To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar – Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo are drag queens, but you’d never know it from the awful title. It’s actually the signature on a photo of Julie Newmar carried around by the trio, but good luck puzzling that out without seeing the film. For that matter, good luck remembering the name without something to refer back to. Easily one of the worst movie titles ever devised.

B*A*P*S – It stands for “Black American Princesses,” a phrase that I imagine star Halle Berry is still trying to burn from her memory (along with Catwoman). I also love the film’s shameless tagline that tries to draw in fans from other films: “These Pretty Women…are Clueless.” One of the queens of bad movie titles.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies – While it gets the point across, is anyone interested in “mixed up” zombies? I prefer my movie undead to have a rather clear goal: brains.

Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? – It’s a musical, in case you’re wondering, featuring female characters named Mercy Humppe and Polyester Poontang (Joan Collins). Here’s a rule of thumb: if your lead character is named Hieronymus, you’re screwed.

Leonard Part 6 – Everyone loves Bill Cosby, but even his squeaky clean humor and mugging for the camera couldn’t save this godawful film about a spy named Leonard.

The Constant Gardener – Nominated for four Oscars, the film is a powerful exploration of one man’s search for answers and revenge. Sadly, the title makes it sound like the cast does nothing except hang out in a greenhouse every day.

Gigli – The press packet for film critics came with a guide on how to properly pronounce the title. The grateful critical community responded by crapping all over the film, calling it one of the worst ever. As bad as GEE-LEE sounds, however, I’m sure many moviegoers read it as GIG-LEE, which sounds like the name of a Civil War soldier.

K-Pax – Kevin Spacey’s character claims to be an alien from the planet K-Pax, and the movie poster prominently features his face and that of Jeff Bridges. Between the title and the pictures, guess which one Hollywood was relying on to sell tickets?

EEGAH! The Name Written In Blood! – The film’s tagline is “The crazed love of a prehistoric giant for a ravishing teenage girl.” Hope someone invested a few dollars in some Trojan Magnums, or that poor, ravishing teen may not be able to walk for a week. Even the makers of Encino Man had the good sense not to name their film after the damned caveman, and that had Pauly Shore in it.

If you liked this list of the worst movie titles, then you may also get a kick out of the following:

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 26th, 2010 at 5:50 pm and is filed under Bad Movies, Thoughts on Film. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

5 Responses to “Worst Movie Titles”

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August 26, 2010

AJ

Shawshank was the name of the prison, and it was appropriately named Redemption because of how it ended. Did you not even watch it?

August 26, 2010

Shane

Someone got redemption at the end? Wow. I must have missed that entirely. I didn’t even realize that it was set in a prison. Thanks for clearing that up.

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