Top Three Least Awful Uwe Boll Films

Thursday, May 7, 2009 at 11:13 am

The phrase “best Uwe Boll movies” isn’t often heard beyond some distant corner of cinematic Hell, but how about the “least awful Uwe Boll movies”? After all, the pugilistic director/producer/screenwriter from Germany has flirted with above-average budgets and impressive casts, so all his films can’t be crap, can they? Well, yes and no.

Despite being able to land thespians such as Jason Statham, Christian Slater, and Ben freakin’ Kingsley, most (if not all) of Boll’s movies seem to be lacking a certain something. In most cases, that “something” is a quality script. Even Oscar winners are going to flounder when they’re asked to recite bad dialogue.

Still, you have to admire Dr. Boll (he holds a doctorate in literature). He’s obviously got a passion for films and filmmaking, and nobody’s got more balls when it comes to promoting his projects. Remember, this is the same guy who claimed that his release of Postal was going to upset the latest Indiana Jones film from the top spot at the box office (tongue in cheek, no doubt). Boll’s no dummy, though; he knows these crazy statements are going to get a certain amount of attention and allow him to further promote his films.

Taking all of the above into account, I’ve decided to create a list entitled “Top Three Least Awful Uwe Boll Films.” Feel free to agree or disagree in the comments section, since–much like Dr. Uwe Boll–I’ll take all the attention I can get.

3. Postal (2007) – Based on the video game of the same name, Postal seems obsessed with offending everyone possible. We get President Bush in cahoots with Osama bin Laden, a Nazi-themed amusement park, Verne Troyer (aka Mini-Me) being raped by monkeys, and scores of children getting gunned down in a firefight. Boll himself appears and gets shot in the nuts (but not before joking that his grandfather died in a concentration camp after falling off a guard tower) , and don’t forget about the full frontal nudity from Dave Foley. It’s far from a good movie, but in this era of political correctness it’s amusing to see a film try so hard to piss people off.

2. Heart of America (2003) – Before he started adapting video games to the big screen, Boll made this fairly competent film about a school shooting at the fictional Riverton High School. Telling the stories of teachers and students alike, the film jumps around in time and features numerous viewpoints. The cast is anchored by veterans such as Jurgen Prochnow, Maria Conchita Alonso, and Clint Howard (the real power behind the Howard family dynasty). While it’s a far cry from Citizen Kane, it’s also a damn sight better than later Boll stinkers like Blood Rayne (2005) and Alone in the Dark (2005).

1. Seed (2007) – A dark, brutal film and easily Boll’s best work, in my opinion. After killing 666 people over a six year period, Max Seed (Will Sanderson) is apprehended and sentenced to death. He survives several jolts from the electric chair and then gets buried alive, but none of that stops Seed. He escapes from his coffin and once again resumes his killing ways. Nihilistic in the extreme, I thought Seed was able to adequately convey a sense of hopelessness in the face of true evil. The cast includes Michael Pare and Ralf Moller, and years from now they’ll proudly tell their grandchildren that they starred in the “least awful Uwe Boll movie.” Then again, maybe that’s something they’ll neglect to mention at all.

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